I miss my little boy.. so bad..

I miss my little boy.. Iggie..

Yeap. I let him go few months back maybe.. because no one could take care of him and my place is not suitable for him since its too small.. i pitty him and i really dont want to let him go.. i love him so much that i cried when i let him go.. and im tearing up now just thinking about it..

He has always been there to hang on me. To him i talk to sometimes.. he was the one who put a smile on my face again.. yes..i am that attached with my iguana.. I might not look like i dont care about him to some but I do..

Arghh..i miss him!!!! *crying quietly*

And it’s 2015

It has been 2 weeks in 2015..

The eve started a lil off for me but things went better after a bit of adjustment.. I guess people do change don’t they? Basically there was some arrangement i thought i would be cool about until the thing happened itself.. But all is good when the new year came.. It was still fun with the set of friends.. regardless what’s happening around you =)

 I look fat didn’t i?

Well at that point it was for a reason.. Yeap.. a 2 months and few weeks lil one inside me.. So me and Mr Xzephyrer were really looking forward for this new year with the new edition in our #Gengmukasama… Never really wanna put it out there but I thought, why not. No one really reads this blog anyways.. Just a place for me to put things out of my chest..

Unfortunately, a week after, it went 180 deg change..It was our 2nd time meeting our O&G and lil one.. eh.. tipu.. kind of the forth.. OK.. maybe I should just start it from the beginning..

Of course being first time, everything was so surreal.. Excited.. scared.. but it was more on the bright side.. Something that you have never felt before.. Something I have never could imagine.. There’s a lil us in me.. We went and check with a doctor that I thought was nice and detail when examining his patient near our place..Clinic Mediviron.. Sekali pegi, he was like.. “OK, so?” *dush dush atas muka sendiri*.. I kinda puji2 the doctor at my husband and when he asked me that question, I felt like kicking is behind and ask him who is the doctor.. But OK.. all ok since hubs there.. so we tried to scan.. it was only 5 weeks so it is too lil’ to see the lil one.. So we thought, lets start looking for our O&G and hospital and such.. so we did and got an appointment with Dato Dr Siti Zaliha in SJMC.. oh.. it’s a month later.. nahh.. no biggie..

I think 3 weeks after, maybe, I got high fever.. went to another clinic because i kinda banned the Clinic Mediviron after for a few cases, not just this one.. The new clinic was OK and she was nice. Told her I have fever and I was 38deg C at that point.. Told her I am pregnant as well… so she asked all details and we kinda want to check the lil one again since it has been 3 weeks, so 8 weeks more or less.. We did it but unfortunately, lil one is a lil shy shy like the dad.. so we didn’t get to see lil one yet.. plus, we are going to see Dato Dr 3 days after anyways.. Because i have high fever and red throat, she gave antibiotics.. Which sisters were quite skeptical.. during their pregnancy, doctors don’t give them antibiotics.. anyways, me being dumb, i went on eating laa the meds..

To cut it short, a day after, i was diagnosed with HMFD *Hand Mouth Foot Disease* .. Read some facts, but non say it would be dangerous to the fetus.. But most of the says it has low risk.. Brushing it aside, come Monday, appointment with Dato Dr Siti.. Told her everything and even showed to her my HMFD hands.. she said, don’t worry much.. and we check the lil one.. it is there.. with the heart beat and all.. it was such a precious moment.. expecting the lil one was like a dream come true to every married couple.. and that includes us..

and come 2 appointment.. and what we see is just a lifeless fetus, no heart beat.. I don’t want to go into detail cause writing it suddenly chokes me but I was composed.. I made a practical and I would say fast decision to perform DnC *Dilation & Curettage*.. For me, there’s nothing to wait as doctor gave me 4 solid facts and she is an experienced doctor, mother and woman.. So we decided to do it 3 days after..

Of course I was worried.. I have no idea how it feel like and the pain.. Doctor said, it’s going to be very painful, that’s why I need to go under anesthetic.. But all went went.. the procedure takes like 10 mins but the anesthetic effect is like almost an hour.. after 2 hours, I’m on my feet and went home to my parents place.. At this point, I am grateful hubs has been so supportive and family too..

That’s why, after realizing things that happened in just a week ago, and how hubs has been around and catering to my needs, i fall for him all over again.. I wouldn’t know if i had a different husband and if he would be by my side through out the procedures and experienced but i am more than thankful that i have him.

To that person, Mr Xzephyrer, thank you for being there and supporting me endlessly.. Again, you made me the best and happiest person I could ever imagine and I couldn’t even ask for more.. I have you, and that is sufficient for me.. Iloveu Boo 🙂

End of 2014

Honestly, i don’t even know why i bother updating my blog when i don’t think anyone hardly read my rants.. maybe my future would.. hehe

Things has gone back to normal once he was back.. Someone to talk to though we don’t do much of that.. but we do appreciate our company and partner to say “I’ve gone up a level in this game!!” yeah.. we are that kind of couple you could say.. We also agreed to go on a vacation with 2 of my besties.. For once, I am glad they all *hubs and besties* got along VERY well.. LOVE the thought they wouldn’t feel awkward even if I am not around since we have our own inside joke now.. And it was nice to have this trip with them again.. It was kind of a rejuve for our relationship as well and that has made us much closer than before..

okieh.. too much ayat touchy2..

Went Kota Kinabalu even though our first plan was to go for island vacation; Sipadan Island.. But after the kidnapping case, we were quite reluctant.. so we changed to Kota Kinabalu.. Most of us already been there but for work.. cept Jurai.. It was a 4 days 3 nights trip.. I think it was suffice enough if you are just going around Kundasang and Kota Kinabalu… depending on your weather as well.. Since we weren’t rushing to go every where, it was a good retreat.. In a nutshell, we arrived 10am in the morning of the first day, got into our rental car (Proton Saga BLM, MYR 160 per day), went to Kundasang.. on the way, we made some stops.. Reached Kundasang around 3-4pm.. it was raining and fog was too thick at certain point.. so we don’t want to take our chance to go to the Hotspring which takes another 40 mins from where we stay.. so we went up to the Dairy farm.. It was the highlight of our trip for us… It was definitely pretty especially with all the fog.. cold too.. really gave us the feeling of our old road trips in the states.. Since it was kind of late in the evening, we decided to just go to the War Memorial which again, in the vicinity of the hotel.. but it was already closed.. so we decided to just walk to the small markets they had along the street.. than back to the hotel..

eyh.. nutshell ke cite aku neh? ehehehehe

now for real, in a nutshell.. the next day, spent another half day in Kundasang area, a bit after 1pm we went straight back to KK.. it was already 7-8pm by the time we reached KK.. quickly checked in, out for seafood dinner.. which was totally overrated.. the next day.. half day was spent on water rafting in Kiulu.. the guide was the highlight for me.. the water rafting was fun.. and since it was raining the night before, the river would probably around level 1.5. so quite relaxing la.. the guide was very accommodative.. well.. to us at least.. don’t think the other two Chinese China would think the same hehehe..

oh nutshell.. right..

petang.. went out early abit.. went to find remote for hubs’ GoPro yang hilang kene makan dek buaya.. *kind of forgotten about this sad story* and then another feast of seafood.. this time.. its better and tasted better too.. Happy us 😀 The next day.. checked out.. had our breakfast near the hotel.. there was the Pasar tamu right in front of our hotel,, that was neat.. and then.. off we were to the jetty for Island hopping.. half day.. snorkeling and basking in the sun.. then we realized our 6pm flight was cancelled and we were to go on 8pm fight which was definitely not convenient for some of us.. so we rushed back to shore to catch up for 5ish pm flight.. i hate rushing and the fact that we still wanna go HRC KK and hubs’ and my tix havent been confirmed, it was not so convenient for me.. but we managed to do so.. and that was it..

besar sungguh nutshell ku.. hehehehe

but it was fun.. all in all.. each of us spent MYR1000 for everything including makan2.. minus souvenirs.. I think it was worth it.. =)

and he is back!

he is back!!

but balik2.. enjin keta die capoot.. opps! feeling a bit guilty sebab mcm tk pandai jage keta die.. *memang pun.. typical like that haha!* but all is good.. dapat laa tukar battery sume.. evn though die keep on saying battery da lame.. tp last week start enjn ok jah.. hahaha!

da balik nk amek gmbr.. tp die boleh tye nape? grrrr~~~

ini lah contoh.. xdapat mencari2.. da dapat diabai2kan.

guysss *pfffttt*

a month and 1 week

No no.. i am so not pregnant..

itu adelah brape lame aku kene tinggal ngan suami kerana berjasa untuk kompeni die..

and he’s coming back soon!!! *loncat2 terencat*

4 tahun duduk sorang vs. 7 bulan duduk berdua.. logically, i should be able to handle myself pretty well okie… tp kan.. gediks ngan suami punye pasal.. i cant live without uuuuuuuuuuuu Mr Xzephyrerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

so come back lagi cepat ok? sile dayung sampan…

starting fresh

just started new work..

yeap.. i finally quit my old job for a new one.. well.. not really new.. i’m back to my old company.. good thing i left at peace.. so it was kinda easy for my boss to accept me back.. it is nice to come back to a place you know and comfortable with.. especially with the same people and nice new people as well.. i could adapt easily.. my first day was spent doing nothing.. but it was not as bad as before.. at least i could go and kacau some people around me.. old place.. no one to kacau.. and maybe i got that bad vibe already from the company.. so i just cannot tahan already…

but i still pity the company.. i heard more people is resigning and more on the go.. things didn’t happen as what the shareholders want.. and i really don’t know whats gonna happen next to the company… the company is like a big tree that looks big and strong but inside, the termites have already eaten up a big chunk of the tree.. and it has slowly cracking up… lets hope the company well..

walaupun dlm hati kecil ku rasa nak kate padan muke selepas i know a few story about the company which i just wish gaji ku selama ni halal.. ameen~~

Wanting to feel pretty..

I grew up feeling “looks” is not everything.. i don’t really care about my scarf, make ups, lipbalms etc.. but for me.. it was more the cool vibe that i would like to emit.. plus i guess.. i was young hence look was a gift at that age..

As time goes by.. i realized that it is important.. not to attract in sexual way.. but friends, first impression let it be lecturers, campus staff, cashier at walmart etc.. but it was good enough for me to live up to that standard with just moisturizer and chapstick.. then come the events.. peer pressure comes in.. i start to learn a few tricks with powder and lipstick.. i can tell you that was my first time buying one, using one to look good and dat was the last time i used it too; i dropped it and it broke into two.. *nervous laugh*

years went by and i built the interest in high heels, pumps, handbags and pretty dresses..  Then.. as my carrier progressed.. things changed completely.. i want to be pretty.. i learnt how to put make up on.. i buy fitting shirts n leggings/jeggings, skirts that would make me look tall and all that.. i know i look pretty.. i was damn confidence.. but once in awhile.. i would be so lazy n i would just end up my old me; i.e. no contact lens on, company shirt, tugged out, faded jeans and sport shoes.. it is worst than u imagine i tell ya.. haha!

I thought, with me being pretty and looking good n sext would boost my confidence.. At that point, i forgot.. that it is not so much of how u look, but it also comes from within u.. it helps when u know u look good n people would listen to you.. but if u r better with what u do, look is not everything..

Even when i was with my ex-es, i do feel the need of seeing pretty and sometimes now that i think of it, it is inappropriate.. everything is too tight and showing off.. and its when i got married, MasyaAllah.. i have again turned 180 deg.. i still want to look pretty, but for my husband.. i want to look appropriately pretty outside, because i dont want people to say bad words to my husband.. i want to make others jealous of my husband..

Yes.. sometimes i do feel like i want to put good makeups on.. try pretty scarves and pretty dresses but some just.. not covering up as much.. i know i am not completely a good muslim.. but insyaAllah, i am trying to get there.. and that is the only reminder when i see pretty girls *with or without hijabs* that i want to be near to God and i want to take care of husbands relationship with God.. im still far off but i am working towards that..

And in the end.. looking pretty and beautiful in Husband’s and God’s eye are the ultimate beauty one lady would wish for..

Things happened for a reason

As cliché as it sounds, it is for real people..

There are things back in my past that I really regret doing.. I regret it so much that sometimes I felt ashamed of myself.. I made bad decisions.. I just hope it doesn’t get back to me.. To Him I pray for my better life in the future..

But, if not because of events happening in the past, I might not be me today.. If not because of that bad and stupid decision I made, I won’t be as patient as I am today.. and if it is not because of those events and bad decisions mix together, I won’t be married to the love of my life today..

*mind you.. mood gedik and reminiscence ni sebab kene tinggal ngan suami for rezeki yang halal untuk keluarga, katenye.. ameen~~*

I hate reminiscing my old past.. I was too gullible… I was to nice.. and some incidents, I was just too stupid.. Wasn’t even thinking and making decision out of emotions.. Everyone learn new traits/experience day in and day out.. whether the hard way or the nice way.. too bad if you bumped into the hard way..

antara perkara yang aku regret most, is moving to my current work.. aku terlalu mengikut perasaan kerana bos yang ego tinggi.. aku pun same je.. bila ada “good offer” depan mata, siapa pun jadi buta.. samada nak sedar atau tidak je.. aku kurang bijak dengan perasaan.. actually.. untuk kerja ni je, aku buta.. selama ni, aku buat research.. bukak website paling kurang.. tanya orang sana sini.. tapi kerja ni, aku terima dgn hati terbuka.. da masuk, baru nak tengok website.. not promising at all.. there was nothing.. blog aku yang tak update ni pun lagi banyak benda.. hehe..

bulan pertama.. msih berfikiran positif.. company SME (small medium enterprise).. so tak ramai orang and most of the stuff, kene tolong each other.. for me, orang kat ofis bagi aku buat IT and marketing stuff.. Takde laa handal, tapi boleh laa buat dan tolong yang mana mampu.. after awhile.. gaji tak bayar dua bulan.. job pun tak masuk.. politik cam shial.. so I got fedup.. motivasi untuk kerja hilang.. cuma datang untuk kawan kawan and free wifi.. bukan taknak buat kerja.. tapi kerja pun takde.. kene cari kerja sendiri..

Doing business development & planning definitely ade sangkut paut ngan duit.. tp, gaji pun susah nak settle, apetah lagi nak buat marketing.. so lebih kurang terkubur jer.. Alhamdulillah though, things have gone from definitely-die scenario to worst scenario.. so.. da boleh laa bernafas.. gaji wpun lambt.. tapi still berbayar up-to-date.. cuma ada laa yang blom berbayar.. especially bos2 gaji besar nak mati.. with a new business development director on board, things have gone quite promising. walaupun die masuk, duit dalam akaun kompeni maseh takde, tapi sekurang-kurangnya, kalau CEO nak something, die tak terime seadanya.. he is very practical.. so aku suke.. die tau ape yang boleh, dan ape tak boleh..

Tapi.. aku masih risau ngan kompeni ni regardless…

konklusi, sile roger kalau ade keje kosong yang best.. hahahaha

It has been awhile

It has been almost 7 months now i am married.. and i felt it as a big accomplishment… Why?  The thought that some marriage only lasted for 2 months… we must have handled each other well.. it is scary to think others only lasted for that short… but there are couples who stayed for 15 years with kids but they never get along.. they might hate each other but they still pulled it off to stick with each other.. i call that faith.. and kids kind of helped them to be together too..

So i blame the couple themselves for not making the marriage happened… unless u have tried ur level best to make it happened…

Hapdet

haa.. hapdet yang ni sepatutnye panjang but depends on how my writing mood goes.. Kalau ikut kronologi, March 17th i say i’ll put up some pictures from my wedding but because me writing from office desktop, i don’t have all the pictures.. Kronologi seterusnya 29 March would be Save our Rainforest Run yang takde laa run sangat.. but it was fun.. Bersamasama OKBB gang *nama established lepas lari*, it was definitely fun and entertaining race.. Tapi yang i don’t like is, the idea of saving our rainforest tuh tak kesampaian pada certain people.. tengah tengah beratur nak masuk kawasan tanam pokok, ade laa mamat depan aku buang sampah.. memang kene laa mulut laser i yang kadang2 berisi “Hoii.. siape buang sampah neh??” walaupun die buang depan mate i tanye gak siape sambil jari ni menunjuk kearah sampah die buang tadi.. budak ni just pandang muke aku mcm nak kene kan balik tp aku lagi garang drpd engkau sangkakan budak.. terus pandang kedepan sambil bebel balik kate “dah terbuang…” bangang like that…. *hangin neh..!!*

 

kronologi seterusnya, April 3rd, Mynn Zach’s is out of the market!!! woohoo!!

April 4th, MIL’s birthday! Happy birthday Mak!! walaupun orang ke 3 or 4 or keberapa ntah wish hehehe

April 5th, Glace Gladiators’ Reunion in Morib.. cum my first honeymoon muahahaha!! so that is what i told people laa.. it was fun!! harus laa kan… dapat plak organiser like moi yours truely.. hehehe Ramai anak2 kecil berlari larian.. mak mak dan ayah ayah juga berlari larian.. it was not much of the activities.. but the get together and the act of doing the activity regardless da besar2 sume.. the gelagats.. it was just purely fun.. the support and commitment for some was just remarkable.. that was all we the committee asked for.. kitorg pun rase berbaloi untuk buat lagi nanti.. hehe.. and of course, the husbands were super sporting and supportive too!! best best… *senyum sesorang*

March 11th went to Langkawi for management meeting *where i was the balaci, not as one of the manager*and trus pulang ke Alor setar.. Tak penah amek feri from Langkawi to kuala Kedah.. nasib ade makcik sebelah yang quite chatty so I was occupied.. it was 1 hour and 40 minutes ride which its not super long but in a very loud engine ferry and packed crowd, 5 minutes seems endless.. sebelah kanan couple gedik yang aku takle tahan * or maybe jealous… tak kut.. hahaha!* cam i can’t wait to jump out of the ferry.. the same week, kene tinggal ngan hasben for 3 days.. was ok but pelik at the same time..

then.. 2 weekends later, lunch date and tea date with lil sista, lil bro in law and cute lil niece.. that was kinda awesome.. yummeyhh!!

the next weeken, balik Alor setar again with hasben.. again, food hunting weekend.. even got to go Padang Besar jejalan sebab MIL said, Anies tak penah sampai hehehehe..

2 weeks after that, OFFICIAL HONEYMOON!!! in Krabi!!! woohoo!! That was fun!! awesomely fun!! that, i tell later lah.. but special shout out to hasben.. Thanks Boo!! Luv ya!!

 

Ok dah..

bye